Day #23...Pretty proud of myself that I have at least been writing something almost every day!
I've realized one important thing while writing this, though:
What I've been writing is more of a story than a blog post. I could definitely see myself turning this month's posts into a short story or even a book.
If I want to blog, I have to find a better way to do it. Definite topics or ideas, not a story. So, whileI will continue to write for the rest of the month, I am going to try to work on how to write a "blog" that people will want to follow.
I would love your help with this...what types of blogs do you follow now? I'm not much of a crafter or a DIY-er, so it won't be that.
December is always a crazy month at our house...so my project for January will be to research this and try again!
I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Have Faith
OK...so you've heard much of my story about my failed marriage and how it affected my kids. Now, I want to take a few minutes to tell you that if you are wondering if you are in a similar situation, you probably are. If I had followed my gut earlier, maybe things would have been different. I hope that in reading about the real effects of manipulation, you have learned some of the signs. If you are in a relationship in which your "significant other" is controlling or manipulating, GET OUT! It's hard. And it doesn't get easier right away. But in the long run, it will be the best move you can make. Please, reach out. Get help. Read books. Have faith in yourself. Don't stay in a relationship because you think you can't make it on your own. Trust me. Once you get out from under all that manipulation, you will realize that you are stronger than you thought!
Monday, November 21, 2016
No One Really Wins
One of the things about living with a narcissistic sociopath is that you begin to believe the things they tell you. When you are gaslighted and emotionally manipulated for so long, you start doubting everything.
Even though I knew I had to leave my (ex)husband, he made the decision so hard. He said things to me, and to the children, that really made me wonder if everything WAS my fault. He blamed me for absolutely everything that went wrong in our marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for anything.
This carried over into the care of our children once we separated. Although he claimed he "loved" them, he did not show that love in any of his actions. When I asked for sole custody, he said things like "You obviously know what's best; you go ahead and be a super mom all by yourself" or "You never even had a father, so you don't even know what it's like. Of course you want to raise the kids the same way - without a father". Those words were said to hurt me, and they did just that.
I wondered how much of what he said was true. I doubted my reasonings for wanting to leave him.
As things progressed and our divorce was finalized, things didn't get much better. Because visitation was what could be "arranged and agreed upon" by both parties, it was a constant fight. Eventually, his visits with the children became less frequent and shorter in duration. He blamed me for this, as well, saying that I was just trying to control him by making him commit to taking them at certain times. He refused to "play by my rules" and the children suffered as a result.
One night this past summer, my older daughter let him have it, telling him how she felt and finally getting it off her chest. The phone call ended abruptly when she hung up on him. He then proceeded to call my youngest daughter, who ended up sitting under our kitchen table in tears listening to him rant and rave about both me and her sister.
At this point, I knew I had to take further action. After all, he wasn't seeing them anyway, and his phone calls and text messages were always negative. He wasn't involved in any aspect of their life, other than trying to get them to turn against me. I went to the courthouse and filed a modification to our visitation schedule.
Our court date was scheduled for about 6 weeks later. As I think I said somewhere else in a post, I was prepared to fight. I expected him to blame me for everything. However, he did not put up a fight at all. He willfully gave up all of his rights to the children, agreeing to no longer call or text them anymore. Part of me was thrilled and relieved. The other part of me was heartbroken. How could someone just give up on his own children?
In this situation, there really wasn't a winner...
Even though I knew I had to leave my (ex)husband, he made the decision so hard. He said things to me, and to the children, that really made me wonder if everything WAS my fault. He blamed me for absolutely everything that went wrong in our marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for anything.
This carried over into the care of our children once we separated. Although he claimed he "loved" them, he did not show that love in any of his actions. When I asked for sole custody, he said things like "You obviously know what's best; you go ahead and be a super mom all by yourself" or "You never even had a father, so you don't even know what it's like. Of course you want to raise the kids the same way - without a father". Those words were said to hurt me, and they did just that.
I wondered how much of what he said was true. I doubted my reasonings for wanting to leave him.
As things progressed and our divorce was finalized, things didn't get much better. Because visitation was what could be "arranged and agreed upon" by both parties, it was a constant fight. Eventually, his visits with the children became less frequent and shorter in duration. He blamed me for this, as well, saying that I was just trying to control him by making him commit to taking them at certain times. He refused to "play by my rules" and the children suffered as a result.
One night this past summer, my older daughter let him have it, telling him how she felt and finally getting it off her chest. The phone call ended abruptly when she hung up on him. He then proceeded to call my youngest daughter, who ended up sitting under our kitchen table in tears listening to him rant and rave about both me and her sister.
At this point, I knew I had to take further action. After all, he wasn't seeing them anyway, and his phone calls and text messages were always negative. He wasn't involved in any aspect of their life, other than trying to get them to turn against me. I went to the courthouse and filed a modification to our visitation schedule.
Our court date was scheduled for about 6 weeks later. As I think I said somewhere else in a post, I was prepared to fight. I expected him to blame me for everything. However, he did not put up a fight at all. He willfully gave up all of his rights to the children, agreeing to no longer call or text them anymore. Part of me was thrilled and relieved. The other part of me was heartbroken. How could someone just give up on his own children?
In this situation, there really wasn't a winner...
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Wishing Things Were Different
Obviously, when two people get divorced, it is because they no longer get along. I did not expect my divorce to be a happy one, but I did hope that it could at least be civil.
My ex-husband was so angry with me for leaving him that he couldn't see anything beyond his anger. Everything he did afterward was with the intent of hurting me - emotionally. While I wasn't necessarily OK with this, I expected it and was ready to deal with it. What I wasn't ready for, however, was his continued attempt to manipulate our children into believing I was the "bad guy".
During the very beginning of our separation/divorce, I had to file for immediate custody of our children because I was afraid he would try to take our son. As things progressed, I filed for sole custody of all three of our children. They were appointed a law guardian who met with them numerous times to discuss what they felt was best.
I remember the first court hearing regarding custody. The law guardian was there, ready to make her recommendation. I was there with my mother and court appointed attorney. I was ready for a fight, but instead, he just caved in and said that I could have custody. I was shocked.
Our papers read that I had sole custody with visitation that could be arranged and agreed upon by both parties. Ultimately, I had the final say in whether or not there would be visitation. While I was pleased with the outcome, at the same time, I was saddened that he could give up on his children so easily. I was also hoping that visitation would be more concrete, as this just gave him another tool with which to manipulate the children. "I wanted to come get you, but your mother said no."
Before our divorce, my husband was a pretty good dad. He was involved with most of the children's activities, if only on the surface. I had really hoped for a different outcome regarding custody and visitation.
About a week after this hearing, he filed for custody of just our son. We went in front of the same judge, who obviously was aware of the previous hearing in which he just gave up all his rights. The judge denied his motion, based on the fact that nothing had changed substantially enough to grant a new order and that he did not believe in separating children unless there were extenuating circumstances. This is one outcome that I was extremely thankful for, as I definitely did not want our children to be separated during what was already the most stressful time in their lives.
Later this week, I'll tell you how our custody battle continued and how he tried to manipulate me, the children and the court order.
Thank you for taking the time to read!
My ex-husband was so angry with me for leaving him that he couldn't see anything beyond his anger. Everything he did afterward was with the intent of hurting me - emotionally. While I wasn't necessarily OK with this, I expected it and was ready to deal with it. What I wasn't ready for, however, was his continued attempt to manipulate our children into believing I was the "bad guy".
During the very beginning of our separation/divorce, I had to file for immediate custody of our children because I was afraid he would try to take our son. As things progressed, I filed for sole custody of all three of our children. They were appointed a law guardian who met with them numerous times to discuss what they felt was best.
I remember the first court hearing regarding custody. The law guardian was there, ready to make her recommendation. I was there with my mother and court appointed attorney. I was ready for a fight, but instead, he just caved in and said that I could have custody. I was shocked.
Our papers read that I had sole custody with visitation that could be arranged and agreed upon by both parties. Ultimately, I had the final say in whether or not there would be visitation. While I was pleased with the outcome, at the same time, I was saddened that he could give up on his children so easily. I was also hoping that visitation would be more concrete, as this just gave him another tool with which to manipulate the children. "I wanted to come get you, but your mother said no."
Before our divorce, my husband was a pretty good dad. He was involved with most of the children's activities, if only on the surface. I had really hoped for a different outcome regarding custody and visitation.
About a week after this hearing, he filed for custody of just our son. We went in front of the same judge, who obviously was aware of the previous hearing in which he just gave up all his rights. The judge denied his motion, based on the fact that nothing had changed substantially enough to grant a new order and that he did not believe in separating children unless there were extenuating circumstances. This is one outcome that I was extremely thankful for, as I definitely did not want our children to be separated during what was already the most stressful time in their lives.
Later this week, I'll tell you how our custody battle continued and how he tried to manipulate me, the children and the court order.
Thank you for taking the time to read!
Saturday, November 19, 2016
And It Only Got Worse
As we progressed from separation to divorce, he only got worse. He had grown accustomed to the lifestyle we had, where we both worked and earned fairly equal amounts, but where I used our money for bills, groceries and household needs and he used it to gamble. Since I did not want to admit what was going on in my home, I kept it hidden. I maneuvered our finances to the best of my ability to prevent falling too far behind.
Needless to say, when he moved out, he was in a completely different situation. He no longer had the "unlimited" gambling funds. And, this made him even angrier. His world was spiraling out of control.
He knew that he still had one thing he could use, though, to manipulate me: our children. He told them lies about me and tried to turn them against me. According to him, I was taking drugs and being followed by the police. He told them that I had been cheating on him. He made up stories to prevent the truth from coming out.
In addition, he began telling these same stories to anyone who would listen - my neighbors, people at the Little League field, and anywhere else he could find someone.
As if making the decision to leave him wasn't hard enough, now I had to deal with this. I was doing my best to raise the kids practically on my own. I was juggling my job and my home life and having to listen to all the rumors.
The hardest part was that I was trying to follow the rules and not say anything negative about him in front of the kids. While he was non-stop bad-mouthing me, I was sitting back letting it happen. Even defending myself was hard because in doing so, I would end up telling the kids how big of a liar he was.
Tomorrow, I'll tell you how I learned from all of this.
Needless to say, when he moved out, he was in a completely different situation. He no longer had the "unlimited" gambling funds. And, this made him even angrier. His world was spiraling out of control.
He knew that he still had one thing he could use, though, to manipulate me: our children. He told them lies about me and tried to turn them against me. According to him, I was taking drugs and being followed by the police. He told them that I had been cheating on him. He made up stories to prevent the truth from coming out.
In addition, he began telling these same stories to anyone who would listen - my neighbors, people at the Little League field, and anywhere else he could find someone.
As if making the decision to leave him wasn't hard enough, now I had to deal with this. I was doing my best to raise the kids practically on my own. I was juggling my job and my home life and having to listen to all the rumors.
The hardest part was that I was trying to follow the rules and not say anything negative about him in front of the kids. While he was non-stop bad-mouthing me, I was sitting back letting it happen. Even defending myself was hard because in doing so, I would end up telling the kids how big of a liar he was.
Tomorrow, I'll tell you how I learned from all of this.
Friday, November 18, 2016
The Hardest Decision I Ever Made
In October 2011, my ex-husband was diagnosed with MS. He began therapy to help him accept this. During the course of his therapy, the therapist asked to meet with both of us. We met her together one time and then she asked to meet with us individually before meeting with us as a couple again.
Before I met with her by myself, he called her 3 times to tell her various things about me. After our session, he called again to see what I had said. I couldn't believe it when she told me that.
For some reason, when she told me this, everything clicked. It was like I was being given permission to accept what I held in the back of my mind for so long. So, although the timing really sucked - just about 6 months after his diagnosis - I made a decision.
When we went in for our next couples session, I told him that I needed a break. I wasn't asking for a divorce - yet - it was just a separation to give me time to "find myself" again. I had to do it in her office so that he wouldn't talk me out of it. I needed her moral support.
That was on a Wednesday. We took the kids out to dinner that night and told them that we were going to separate for a little while. They were distraught, of course, but we promised them that we would try to work things out and that this was just temporary.
The following Monday, April 16, 2012, he moved into a room at work. That night, he called me 3-4 times begging me to let him come home. The final time he called, he threatened to come back whether I let him or not. It was so hard - I just kept ignoring the phone calls and letting it go to voicemail.
At first, our agreement worked out pretty well. He stayed at work Sunday - Thursday, and spent the weekends at my mom's with the kids. She allowed him to sleep there so that he wouldn't have to drive back and forth. Since most of our bills were linked, we agreed on a certain dollar amount that he would give me each pay period. This amount was set to cover his share of the bills (cell phone, car insurance, etc) and help with "child support". The first pay period came, and he "forgot" to bring the money with him to my mom's. When he did finally write me a check, 10 days late, it bounced.
This was when I made my decision. Knowing that the lack of trust involving money was one of our biggest issues, he made no real effort to fix that. Instead, he told me that he was paying off his credit cards first. Once they were paid off, he would give me his "all of his paycheck" for child support and other bills. Keep in mind, that I also had over $10,000 in credit card debt - an amount attributed largely to him.
Needless to say, the day the check bounced was the day I made my final decision. It was a hard decision to make. He was the father of my children, and almost like a child himself. I was "forcing him to grow up" and live like a man. I knew it would not be easy for either of us - emotionally or physically.
That was almost 5 years ago. While I do not regret my decision, I do wish things could have turned out differently - at least for my children's sake. Stay tuned this weekend to see how things progressed and the trauma he put my children through.
Before I met with her by myself, he called her 3 times to tell her various things about me. After our session, he called again to see what I had said. I couldn't believe it when she told me that.
For some reason, when she told me this, everything clicked. It was like I was being given permission to accept what I held in the back of my mind for so long. So, although the timing really sucked - just about 6 months after his diagnosis - I made a decision.
When we went in for our next couples session, I told him that I needed a break. I wasn't asking for a divorce - yet - it was just a separation to give me time to "find myself" again. I had to do it in her office so that he wouldn't talk me out of it. I needed her moral support.
That was on a Wednesday. We took the kids out to dinner that night and told them that we were going to separate for a little while. They were distraught, of course, but we promised them that we would try to work things out and that this was just temporary.
The following Monday, April 16, 2012, he moved into a room at work. That night, he called me 3-4 times begging me to let him come home. The final time he called, he threatened to come back whether I let him or not. It was so hard - I just kept ignoring the phone calls and letting it go to voicemail.
At first, our agreement worked out pretty well. He stayed at work Sunday - Thursday, and spent the weekends at my mom's with the kids. She allowed him to sleep there so that he wouldn't have to drive back and forth. Since most of our bills were linked, we agreed on a certain dollar amount that he would give me each pay period. This amount was set to cover his share of the bills (cell phone, car insurance, etc) and help with "child support". The first pay period came, and he "forgot" to bring the money with him to my mom's. When he did finally write me a check, 10 days late, it bounced.
This was when I made my decision. Knowing that the lack of trust involving money was one of our biggest issues, he made no real effort to fix that. Instead, he told me that he was paying off his credit cards first. Once they were paid off, he would give me his "all of his paycheck" for child support and other bills. Keep in mind, that I also had over $10,000 in credit card debt - an amount attributed largely to him.
Needless to say, the day the check bounced was the day I made my final decision. It was a hard decision to make. He was the father of my children, and almost like a child himself. I was "forcing him to grow up" and live like a man. I knew it would not be easy for either of us - emotionally or physically.
That was almost 5 years ago. While I do not regret my decision, I do wish things could have turned out differently - at least for my children's sake. Stay tuned this weekend to see how things progressed and the trauma he put my children through.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Hindsight is Always 20/20
So far this week, I have told you a little bit about the ways my ex-husband gaslighted me. For those of you who didn't read my previous posts and are unfamiliar with the term "gaslighting", it is a form of psychological abuse in which one person causes the other to doubt themselves by pushing their beliefs about the past (or present) onto the other person. It can totally make the person being gaslighted feel insane. It is definitely a powerful tool of manipulation.
I mentioned that the most common form of gaslighting that my ex-husband used involved money. But, looking back, there were so many other techniques and forms of gaslighting that he used. Sadly, in addition to our finances, his other favorite pawn were our children.
He volunteered as a Cub Scout leader one year and a Little League baseball coach another year. I was thrilled! My children were my life, and he was starting to get more involved. What wife wouldn't love this?!? However, I slowly learned that his reasons for getting involved weren't as pure as mine. They weren't out of love for his children, but out of his desire to "control" and "manipulate" others' perception of him. He was using our children to show others the side of him that he wanted them to see.
I was very involved in our school's parent-teacher group. As a working mother with three young kids at home, it was a win-win for me. I was able to be involved in my children's school AND get a little time with friends. Until HE decided that he would join too. While I should have been happy that he wanted to be involved, something felt off. I should have known at this point that things weren't right. Rather than wanting to be involved in our children's education, he joined simply to exert a little more control over me. My one-hour meeting once a month - the one time I used to "socialize" with other moms and be my own person (instead of a mom or a boss) - was taken away from me when he joined. Sure, sometimes we would go out for a glass of wine after and our one-hour meeting turned into a two-hour outing, but this was still the only time I got to be "me". He joined simply to limit my circle of friends by cutting them down after the meetings. He persuaded me to see them as he saw them - controlling and manipulative. He told me that they weren't really my friends and that they were just using me to get things done. Slowly, I began to believe him. And, I lost a few good friendships along the way.
Hindsight is always 20/20. If I only knew then what I know now, things would be so different.
I mentioned that the most common form of gaslighting that my ex-husband used involved money. But, looking back, there were so many other techniques and forms of gaslighting that he used. Sadly, in addition to our finances, his other favorite pawn were our children.
He volunteered as a Cub Scout leader one year and a Little League baseball coach another year. I was thrilled! My children were my life, and he was starting to get more involved. What wife wouldn't love this?!? However, I slowly learned that his reasons for getting involved weren't as pure as mine. They weren't out of love for his children, but out of his desire to "control" and "manipulate" others' perception of him. He was using our children to show others the side of him that he wanted them to see.
I was very involved in our school's parent-teacher group. As a working mother with three young kids at home, it was a win-win for me. I was able to be involved in my children's school AND get a little time with friends. Until HE decided that he would join too. While I should have been happy that he wanted to be involved, something felt off. I should have known at this point that things weren't right. Rather than wanting to be involved in our children's education, he joined simply to exert a little more control over me. My one-hour meeting once a month - the one time I used to "socialize" with other moms and be my own person (instead of a mom or a boss) - was taken away from me when he joined. Sure, sometimes we would go out for a glass of wine after and our one-hour meeting turned into a two-hour outing, but this was still the only time I got to be "me". He joined simply to limit my circle of friends by cutting them down after the meetings. He persuaded me to see them as he saw them - controlling and manipulative. He told me that they weren't really my friends and that they were just using me to get things done. Slowly, I began to believe him. And, I lost a few good friendships along the way.
Hindsight is always 20/20. If I only knew then what I know now, things would be so different.
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