Thirty Days of Thankful

Every November, I try to post something I'm thankful for on facebook every day. Granted, sometimes I miss a day or two (or three!) but I always catch up. Now that facebook has the "one year ago" reminders, I've noticed a theme.

The things I am most thankful for in my life are the little things - the things that I usually take for granted. I am so thankful for my children - they are the light of my life! I am thankful that they are well-rounded, well-adjusted individuals that do well in school and have a wide variety of extra-curricular activities. I am thankful for the opportunities they have - from sports to music and from ski club to trips abroad. And, I am thankful that I am able to help them with their endeavors.

I am also thankful for my mother. I cannot express this enough - she has been my rock and my best friend for all of my adult life. From her support through my divorce to her devotion to my children, she does so much for me every single day. I laugh sometimes when I realize that I am turning into her...but then I realize that there is no one else that I would want to be like.

My job often causes me a lot of stress...but I am still thankful for it! I have met some wonderful people - employees, salespeople, customers - that have become great friends. I have the flexibility that allows me to be there for most of my kids' milestones. I am given opportunities to learn and grow. Most importantly, my job allows me to provide for my family.

In today's busy world, friendships are often hard to cultivate. I am thankful for the friendships that seem to flourish despite any effort. I am thankful that I have friends that I can pick up with right where we left off, even if it's years later.

Finally, I am thankful for the man in my life. He has been there for me through thick and thin. He treats my children as his own. He has given us opportunities that we would not otherwise have. He is my best friend and my soul mate.

I am going to try to keep these things in mind every day - not just during the month of November. Sometimes, life gets so hectic that we lose sight of the little things. Taking time each day to reflect on all that I have is a good reminder. I just read a blog that talked about "being" and not "doing". That was also a good reminder. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and live in the moment. Even if that means that something doesn't get done.

I would love to hear what things you are thankful for. I hope that you, too, can find the time every day to remember these things!

What I've Learned...

Just one more day to go after today, and I've accomplished my goal of writing every day during November. Unfortunately, I still don't think I found my "voice".

I am going to do my bet to keep working on it, though. I've decided that I really like writing. However, I think part of writing - especially blogs - is reading. While I occasionally read some blogs, I realize that I do not read enough of them to really know how to write one.

So, my goal for December is to read more blogs. Then, starting in 2017, I am going to give this another shot! Hopefully, I will have a better idea of what to write and how to express myself better.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season with family and friends. Remember to take a little time to be thankful and considerate of those around you that may be less fortunate. Do what you can to help others who may not have the means to help themselves. Drop your change in the Salvation Army bucket, donate an unwrapped toy somewhere, drop off non-perishable foods at your local food pantry.

Happy Holidays to everyone...See you in 2017!

Cyber Monday

It's so hard not to get caught up in all the sales and deals going on today! I usually end up spending a good deal of time on the computer searching for great deals. But when I really stop and think about it, I am probably spending more than I am saving because I end up buying things because they are on sale and not because they are needed.

This year, I am trying to be more cautious in my spending. I want my kids to have a fantastic Christmas, and I know to them that means LOTS and LOTS of gifts! It used to be so easy...they were pleased with just about anything! Now, they want expensive gadgets and name brand clothes. And it really is more of a want than a need. That is my dilemma.

In any case, I know I will be online, checking out deals, for at least a little while today. If only it wasn't so easy to click and buy from the comfort of my house in my PJ's!

A Few Days Off...

Why is it that when the kids get a few days off from school that it still never seems like enough time? Don't get me wrong, I look forward to Monday mornings when they are all off doing what they need to do, but I still enjoy the relaxed times that we have together when there is no school.

Thanksgiving break is over today, and we didn't get to a lot of the things I wanted to do while they were home. I guess it's partially because two of them are teenagers and still have lives of their own even when school is out. In some ways, I long for the days when they were younger and looked up to me. I wish I had those days back and focused more on being with them than crossing things off my to-do list.

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, we are full-steam into the Christmas season. Every year, I try to focus on the true meaning of the season - the birth of Jesus Christ. I try to focus on giving rather than receiving and spending time with family and friends. This is truly my favorite time of the year! I look forward to some of the old family traditions and long to create new traditions and memories.

To those of you with young kids, remember to take the time to be with them. The laundry and dishes will wait. Bake cookies, hang decorations, send out cards.

Enjoy your holiday season!

Small Business Saturday

As a local business owner, I know all too well that this is the beginning of a crazy holiday season! It is so easy to go to the big department stores or order online to get the best prices of the season. But, during your holiday rush, try to remember the "little guy" - the one who employs people in your local community and has ties to the community itself.

Today is Small Business Saturday. Take some time to visit the small, local businesses in your area and support them with your business. Not only will it help your local economy thrive, but it's also a chance to buy a unique gift that can't be found in other places.

I'd love to hear what local businesses you support and the great deals you found there today. Please share them with me!

Black Friday...

It seems crazy to me that exactly one day after we sit down and give thanks for everything and everyone we have in our lives, we rush out to the stores in a frenzy to get even more!

I've done the Black Friday thing once in my life. Once was enough for me. I decided that day that I did not like the crowds or getting up that early!

I get it, though...some of the deals are hard to pass up. If you are brave enough to go Black Friday shopping, please remember to be kind. Don't push or grab - although I'm not sure things are still that bad. Also, remember that while you are there to get that "great deal", the employees of the store are there to earn a living. They don't deserve to be yelled at because the line is too long or they are out of the latest gadget. They don't have any control over that.

Good luck to all of you Black Friday shoppers!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!
In my family, Thanksgiving is far from traditional. Sure, some years we have actually had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at someone's house. But, since we're in the restaurant business, we are usually open for Thanksgiving...which means we work!
So, for those of you that get to spend Thanksgiving with your family, enjoy it. Relish the good times and the memories that you are making. Be thankful. And, for those of you that are working on Thanksgiving - I know I am not alone - THANK YOU for giving up your holiday to protect and serve everyone. I hope you are able to spend at least part of the day with your families. Be thankful for that time and cherish it.

Can You Help Me?

Day #23...Pretty proud of myself that I have at least been writing something almost every day!

I've realized one important thing while writing this, though:

What I've been writing is more of a story than a blog post. I could definitely see myself turning this month's posts into a short story or even a book.

If I want to blog, I have to find a better way to do it. Definite topics or ideas, not a story. So, whileI will continue to write for the rest of the month, I am going to try to work on how to write a "blog" that people will want to follow.

I would love your help with this...what types of blogs do you follow now? I'm not much of a crafter or a DIY-er, so it won't be that.

December is always a crazy month at our house...so my project for January will be to research this and try again!

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Have Faith

OK...so you've heard much of my story about my failed marriage and how it affected my kids. Now, I want to take a few minutes to tell you that if you are wondering if you are in a similar situation, you probably are. If I had followed my gut earlier, maybe things would have been different. I hope that in reading about the real effects of manipulation, you have learned some of the signs. If you are in a relationship in which your "significant other" is controlling or manipulating, GET OUT! It's hard. And it doesn't get easier right away. But in the long run, it will be the best move you can make. Please, reach out. Get help. Read books. Have faith in yourself. Don't stay in a relationship because you think you can't make it on your own. Trust me. Once you get out from under all that manipulation, you will realize that you are stronger than you thought!

No One Really Wins

One of the things about living with a narcissistic sociopath is that you begin to believe the things they tell you. When you are gaslighted and emotionally manipulated for so long, you start doubting everything.

Even though I knew I had to leave my (ex)husband, he made the decision so hard. He said things to me, and to the children, that really made me wonder if everything WAS my fault. He blamed me for absolutely everything that went wrong in our marriage. He took absolutely no responsibility for anything.

This carried over into the care of our children once we separated. Although he claimed he "loved" them, he did not show that love in any of his actions. When I asked for sole custody, he said things like "You obviously know what's best; you go ahead and be a super mom all by yourself" or "You never even had a father, so you don't even know what it's like. Of course you want to raise the kids the same way - without a father". Those words were said to hurt me, and they did just that.
I wondered how much of what he said was true. I doubted my reasonings for wanting to leave him.

As things progressed and our divorce was finalized, things didn't get much better. Because visitation was what could be "arranged and agreed upon" by both parties, it was a constant fight. Eventually, his visits with the children became less frequent and shorter in duration. He blamed me for this, as well, saying that I was just trying to control him by making him commit to taking them at certain times. He refused to "play by my rules" and the children suffered as a result.

One night this past summer, my older daughter let him have it, telling him how she felt and finally getting it off her chest. The phone call ended abruptly when she hung up on him. He then proceeded to call my youngest daughter, who ended up sitting under our kitchen table in tears listening to him rant and rave about both me and her sister.

At this point, I knew I had to take further action. After all, he wasn't seeing them anyway, and his phone calls and text messages were always negative. He wasn't involved in any aspect of their life, other than trying to get them to turn against me. I went to the courthouse and filed a modification to our visitation schedule.

Our court date was scheduled for about 6 weeks later. As I think I said somewhere else in a post, I was prepared to fight. I expected him to blame me for everything. However, he did not put up a fight at all. He willfully gave up all of his rights to the children, agreeing to no longer call or text them anymore. Part of me was thrilled and relieved. The other part of me was heartbroken. How could someone just give up on his own children?

In this situation, there really wasn't a winner...

Wishing Things Were Different

Obviously, when two people get divorced, it is because they no longer get along. I did not expect my divorce to be a happy one, but I did hope that it could at least be civil.

My ex-husband was so angry with me for leaving him that he couldn't see anything beyond his anger. Everything he did afterward was with the intent of hurting me - emotionally. While I wasn't necessarily OK with this, I expected it and was ready to deal with it. What I wasn't ready for, however, was his continued attempt to manipulate our children into believing I was the "bad guy".

During the very beginning of our separation/divorce, I had to file for immediate custody of our children because I was afraid he would try to take our son. As things progressed, I filed for sole custody of all three of our children. They were appointed a law guardian who met with them numerous times to discuss what they felt was best.

I remember the first court hearing regarding custody. The law guardian was there, ready to make her recommendation. I was there with my mother and court appointed attorney. I was ready for a fight, but instead, he just caved in and said that I could have custody. I was shocked.

Our papers read that I had sole custody with visitation that could be arranged and agreed upon by both parties. Ultimately, I had the final say in whether or not there would be visitation. While I was pleased with the outcome, at the same time, I was saddened that he could give up on his children so easily. I was also hoping that visitation would be more concrete, as this just gave him another tool with which to manipulate the children. "I wanted to come get you, but your mother said no."

Before our divorce, my husband was a pretty good dad. He was involved with most of the children's activities, if only on the surface. I had really hoped for a different outcome regarding custody and visitation.

About a week after this hearing, he filed for custody of just our son. We went in front of the same judge, who obviously was aware of the previous hearing in which he just gave up all his rights. The judge denied his motion, based on the fact that nothing had changed substantially enough to grant a new order and that he did not believe in separating children unless there were extenuating circumstances. This is one outcome that I was extremely thankful for, as I definitely did not want our children to be separated during what was already the most stressful time in their lives.

Later this week, I'll tell you how our custody battle continued and how he tried to manipulate me, the children and the court order.

Thank you for taking the time to read!

And It Only Got Worse

As we progressed from separation to divorce, he only got worse. He had grown accustomed to the lifestyle we had, where we both worked and earned fairly equal amounts, but where I used our money for bills, groceries and household needs and he used it to gamble. Since I did not want to admit what was going on in my home, I kept it hidden. I maneuvered our finances to the best of my ability to prevent falling too far behind.

Needless to say, when he moved out, he was in a completely different situation. He no longer had the "unlimited" gambling funds. And, this made him even angrier. His world was spiraling out of control.

He knew that he still had one thing he could use, though, to manipulate me: our children. He told them lies about me and tried to turn them against me. According to him, I was taking drugs and being followed by the police. He told them that I had been cheating on him. He made up stories to prevent the truth from coming out.

In addition, he began telling these same stories to anyone who would listen - my neighbors, people at the Little League field, and anywhere else he could find someone.

As if making the decision to leave him wasn't hard enough, now I had to deal with this. I was doing my best to raise the kids practically on my own. I was juggling my job and my home life and having to listen to all the rumors.

The hardest part was that I was trying to follow the rules and not say anything negative about him in front of the kids. While he was non-stop bad-mouthing me, I was sitting back letting it happen. Even defending myself was hard because in doing so, I would end up telling the kids how big of a liar he was.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you how I learned from all of this.

The Hardest Decision I Ever Made

In October 2011, my ex-husband was diagnosed with MS. He began therapy to help him accept this. During the course of his therapy, the therapist asked to meet with both of us. We met her together one time and then she asked to meet with us individually before meeting with us as a couple again.

Before I met with her by myself, he called her 3 times to tell her various things about me. After our session, he called again to see what I had said. I couldn't believe it when she told me that.

For some reason, when she told me this, everything clicked. It was like I was being given permission to accept what I held in the back of my mind for so long. So, although the timing really sucked - just about 6 months after his diagnosis - I made a decision.

When we went in for our next couples session, I told him that I needed a break. I wasn't asking for a divorce - yet - it was just a separation to give me time to "find myself" again. I had to do it in her office so that he wouldn't talk me out of it. I needed her moral support.

That was on a Wednesday. We took the kids out to dinner that night and told them that we were going to separate for a little while. They were distraught, of course, but we promised them that we would try to work things out and that this was just temporary.

The following Monday, April 16, 2012, he moved into a room at work. That night, he called me 3-4 times begging me to let him come home. The final time he called, he threatened to come back whether I let him or not. It was so hard - I just kept ignoring the phone calls and letting it go to voicemail.

At first, our agreement worked out pretty well. He stayed at work Sunday - Thursday, and spent the weekends at my mom's with the kids. She allowed him to sleep there so that he wouldn't have to drive back and forth. Since most of our bills were linked, we agreed on a certain dollar amount that he would give me each pay period. This amount was set to cover his share of the bills (cell phone, car insurance, etc) and help with "child support". The first pay period came, and he "forgot" to bring the money with him to my mom's. When he did finally write me a check, 10 days late, it bounced.

This was when I made my decision. Knowing that the lack of trust involving money was one of our biggest issues, he made no real effort to fix that. Instead, he told me that he was paying off his credit cards first. Once they were paid off, he would give me his "all of his paycheck" for child support and other bills. Keep in mind, that I also had over $10,000 in credit card debt - an amount attributed largely to him.

Needless to say, the day the check bounced was the day I made my final decision. It was a hard decision to make. He was the father of my children, and almost like a child himself. I was "forcing him to grow up" and live like a man. I knew it would not be easy for either of us - emotionally or physically.

That was almost 5 years ago. While I do not regret my decision, I do wish things could have turned out differently - at least for my children's sake. Stay tuned this weekend to see how things progressed and the trauma he put my children through.

Hindsight is Always 20/20

So far this week, I have told you a little bit about the ways my ex-husband gaslighted me. For those of you who didn't read my previous posts and are unfamiliar with the term "gaslighting", it is a form of psychological abuse in which one person causes the other to doubt themselves by pushing their beliefs about the past (or present) onto the other person. It can totally make the person being gaslighted feel insane. It is definitely a powerful tool of manipulation.

I mentioned that the most common form of gaslighting that my ex-husband used involved money. But, looking back, there were so many other techniques and forms of gaslighting that he used. Sadly, in addition to our finances, his other favorite pawn were our children.

He volunteered as a Cub Scout leader one year and a Little League baseball coach another year. I was thrilled! My children were my life, and he was starting to get more involved. What wife wouldn't love this?!? However, I slowly learned that his reasons for getting involved weren't as pure as mine. They weren't out of love for his children, but out of his desire to "control" and "manipulate" others' perception of him. He was using our children to show others the side of him that he wanted them to see.

I was very involved in our school's parent-teacher group. As a working mother with three young kids at home, it was a win-win for me. I was able to be involved in my children's school AND get a little time with friends. Until HE decided that he would join too. While I should have been happy that he wanted to be involved, something felt off. I should have known at this point that things weren't right. Rather than wanting to be involved in our children's education, he joined simply to exert a little more control over me. My one-hour meeting once a month - the one time I used to "socialize" with other moms and be my own person (instead of a mom or a boss) - was taken away from me when he joined. Sure, sometimes we would go out for a glass of wine after and our one-hour meeting turned into a two-hour outing, but this was still the only time I got to be "me". He joined simply to limit my circle of friends by cutting them down after the meetings. He persuaded me to see them as he saw them - controlling and manipulative. He told me that they weren't really my friends and that they were just using me to get things done. Slowly, I began to believe him. And, I lost a few good friendships along the way.

Hindsight is always 20/20. If I only knew then what I know now, things would be so different.

GASLIGHTING

The first time I heard, or rather read, the term gaslighting was just this past year. I was reading a book called HUSBAND, LIAR, SOCIOPATH by O.N. Ward. I just love the pen name the author chose...it looks so simple and legit that you may even miss the meaning at first. I know I did. But, one day the book was sitting on the dining room table, and all of a sudden, it hit me. O.N. Ward = onward. She was moving on. I decided that if I ever write a book detailing my story, my pen name will be Ursula Potter Ward. U.P. Ward. Upward. Because we all have to move onward and upward after we let go of the past.

Getting back to gaslighting...

According to Wikipedia, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which the victim is manipulated into doubting their memory, perception of events and even their sanity. 

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

It is almost impossible to know when you are being gaslighted WHILE you are being gaslighted. It is something that comes to light only AFTER you are able to walk away from the situation and the abuser and look back at your life.

I was gaslighted for many years. My ex-husband was charming and charismatic. He always put me on a pedestal when he talked about me to other people. Most people found him to be smart, witty and charming.

But that was all a show. He was good...he knew what people wanted to hear and he knew how to lure them in with his stories. I remember one couple he met (as a bartender) felt so sorry for him because he was being called to "serve his country". They thought it was awful that he would have to go abroad and leave his wife and two young children alone. Umm...he was never in any form of the armed forces. He played them...and got a nice fat tip out of it!

Going to back to the ways I was gaslighted...oh, there were so many! The money thing I mentioned in the previous post was probably the worst. I was always seeming to lose my money, to the point where I doubted whether I really had it to begin with. Most of the time, it was small amounts...amounts small enough that maybe I really did miscount in the first place. Gradually, the amounts grew, and I either stopped carrying cash altogether or actually found hiding spots for it. 

That didn't really do me any good. When there was no cash to be found, it was my debit card that went missing. It got to the point where I had to check the balance on-line daily. I would see withdrawals and he would deny them. He was sneaky, but still just convincing enough that I continued to fall for it for years.

When I say that most people found him to be a fun, charismatic guy, I'm being serious. People truly did like him. That was, until they got to know him a little better. The more he talked, the more inconsistencies there were in his stories. The more he talked, the grander things. The more he talked, the harder his hardships were. 

There are many more stories to tell...too many for one post. Stay tuned to learn more about how I was gaslighted for years and never knew it!

The Beginning of the Story

In those first few weeks, he accomplished just what he set out to do...he lured me in and made me feel sorry for him. None of what happened was his fault. She cheated on him. He worked 50 hours a week while she worked just part time. He came home from work early one night and caught her in their bed with another man. Then, she left him and took their daughter with her.

My heart bled for him. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. As if this wasn't all bad enough, he was about to lose his job and his apartment because of all that was going on in his personal life. This poor guy...what a tough spot he was in.

Soon after we started dating, he moved in. His lease was up on his apartment, and because of the "legal" expenses he was incurring, he couldn't afford to resign the lease. It made sense to me at the time. Plus, I was having some roommate trouble, so I was happy to have another person to share expenses with.

As we grew closer, I helped him file for divorce. And by "help", I mean I ended up paying for the legal fees. Most months, I also paid his child support. You are probably asking yourself why I didn't see the signs. Looking back, I ask myself the same thing.

But, he was very good at what he did. He was playing me and he had me Hook, Line, and Sinker. At this point in our relationship, his employment was shaky. But he always had a reason for quitting or getting fired. When he was working, he totally doted on me. I was still blind to the game, falling deeper and deeper in love...and in debt!

I occasionally realized that there was money missing from my wallet. When I questioned him about it, he always had an answer. Sometimes we needed milk or cat food. Other times, he took it with the "intent" to go to the grocery store while I was at work and then ran out of time.

Then, I started to realize that there were charges on my credit card that I didn't remember making. When I questioned that, he would tell me that I was there or that he told me about it. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that wasn't true, but he was so convincing.

Earlier this year, I found out that the term for this is "gaslighting". Tomorrow, I'll tell you all the ways I was being gaslighted.

The Real Reason I Started Writing

When I decided to start a blog, it's because I really do have a story to tell. Up to this point, I've just been dabbling with my writing, not really getting to my story. So, as promised, this week I am going to write about my marriage and divorce. I'll start at the beginning today and write a little more all week.

In 1996, I was "wowed" by the person I thought was the man of my dreams. He was funny, kind and very cute. He was a hard-worker and treated me like a princess. And, we met at the most magical place...Disney World! We both worked there.

The first time we "met", he was married. We just happened to cross paths for a few shifts. Our paths crossed again a little later and I learned that he was separated from his wife. We went out for drinks and got to know each other.

He told me how he caught his wife cheating on him, and that when she got caught, she took their daughter, who was about 2 at the time, and moved back to her family in New Jersey. I felt terrible for him...which is exactly what he wanted.

You see, twenty years later, I realize that I was married to a sociopath. These next few posts are going to be about the story of our marriage and how I finally came to see the light. If this sounds intriguing, be sure to check back daily this week to read more...

A Couple of Recipes...

Next week, I've decided I'm going to work on (finally) writing a little bit about the "stories" of my life. But for now, I thought I would just share with you some recipes that my daughter and I have been working on for her Girl Scout Silver Award.

Chicken Tetrazzini 

Ingredients:

16 oz linguini, cooked

1/2 cup butter, softened

4 chicken breasts, cooked, diced

2 cans cream of chicken soup

2 cups sour cream

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp ground pepper

1/2 cup chicken broth

2 TB parmesan cheese

2 cup shredded mozzarella

DIRECTIONS:

1. Cook noodles according to box instructions. Set aside.

2. In a medium bowl, combine 1/2 cup butter, cooked chicken, soup, sour cream,

salt, pepper and chicken broth. Mix well and then add in cooked noodles.

3. Spray a 9×13 pan and pour in noodle mixture. Sprinkle cheeses on top. Bake

covered with foil for 45 minutes at 300. Remove foil and bake for an additional 15 minutes

.The Great (Gluten Free )Pumpkin Pancakes

Prep Time: Less than 30 mins

Ingredients                            Serves: 5

         2 1/2 Cup gluten free dry oatmeal cereal

         1/4 Cup enriched yellow masa corn flour

         2 Tbl.light brown sugar

         2 1/2 Tsp.baking powder

         1 Tsp.ground cinnamon

         1/2 Tsp.ground Allspice

         1/2 Tsp.ground cloves

         1/2 Tsp.ground ginger

         2 Cup skim milk

         1 Tsp.vanilla flavoring

         1 Ea.egg

         3 Tbl.applesauce in juice

         1 Cup canned pumpkin

         1/2 Oz.apple butter

         1/2 Ea.fresh banana

Cooking Directions

·         Grind oatmeal in food processor until fine and flour-like.

·         Combine all dry ingredients in bowl.

·         Combine milk, vanilla flavoring, egg and applesauce.

·         Combine all ingredients to create batter. Fold pumpkin into batter. Let sit 5 minutes. Heat griddle.

·         Using a spoon, scoop batter onto griddle. Cook on medium heat until edges start to dry and air bubbles appear. Flip pancake.

·         Serve 3 pancakes with apple butter, 1/2 of a fresh banana, and a glass of water.

·         Chef Note: Batter makes 16 pancakes total.

Cuban Sandwich Spring Rolls

Ingredients

1/2 oz. marinated boneless pork loin
1/2 oz. ham
1/2 oz. genoa salami
1/2 oz. swiss cheese
1/2 oz. provolone cheese
1/2 oz. dill pickles
1 ea. spring roll wrapper
1/2 tsp garlic, roasted, puréed
pickled carrots (for serving)
cilantro (for serving)
mustard dipping sauce (for serving)

Directions

1. Spread out spring roll wrapper, place meats, cheese, and pickles on the bottom half.
2. Smear spring roll wrapper with roasted garlic purée and roll to seal.
3. Deep fry until golden.
4. Serve with pickled carrots, cilantro, and mustard sauce.

Getting Back on My Feet...Literally!

On September 23, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor removed a growth from the bottom of my foot and performed another procedure with a lot of syllables. I'm still not quite sure of the medical term, but he basically broke my toes and realigned them. My third metatarsal was lower than the rest. The pressure from this is what caused the growth on the bottom of my foot. So, he went in, shaved some of the excess bone off and broke the toe. Then, he pinned that toe in line with the others.

The surgery itself wasn't that bad. Not that I remember any of it...LOL. I had been told that I would be in a cast for 3-4 weeks and unable to bear weight for another week or so after that.

As a restaurant manager, I knew going back to work full time would be difficult. But, I planned on returning to work part time about 2 weeks after my surgery. While I wouldn't be able to be in the kitchen or out front, I thought I could get caught up on some paperwork and marketing.

However, seven weeks later, I'm still not back full time. I have been going down two days a week for 5-6 hours and worked my first closing shift this weekend.

I developed what they call "cast disease" from being in the cast for 4 weeks. My foot was healing fine, but I had no range of motion at all in my ankle. I was referred to a physical therapist.

Work was one story...my house was another one altogether! My boyfriend and kids did a great job trying to take over my role. My kids took turns cooking.

They did the grocery shopping...and usually came home with more cookies, ice cream and chips than anything to cook. They held their own with the laundry.

This week, I am finally able to bear weight. I am looking forward to trying to get things back in order, although I still have a difficult time with stairs, so the laundry will probably have to wait. But, I have been cooking a little more and have even taken a shower! 

I'm not really sure what I was trying to say in this post...but I guess I'll end it by saying that you really don't realize how much you use your feet until you can't!

Have a great day!

The Best for ME or MY KIDS?

Back on track with post #11 on day #11!

Piggy-backing on my last post about being enough, I want to write about what I want for my kids. Obviously, I want what is best for them. I want them to have good friends, do well in school, take advantage of the opportunities that are offered to them and do their best. I also want them to BE a good friend to others.

As is pretty common in today's society, however, I sometimes think that my kids are okay with mediocrity. Sure, there are some kids who seem to excel in everything. I know quite a few of them. Those that get perfect attendance awards at school, are moved to varsity sports in their freshman year, make the principal's list every marking period...you know the type. However, these kids are not the norm in today's world. Our younger generation is one that has learned to expect instant results and get a trophy just for showing up.

My kids are a mix of those two groups. They do not excel in everything, or in some cases anything at all. But, they are learning the value of hard work and dedication. They put forth some effort on everything they do, but not necessarily 100% all the time.

I want what almost every parent wants for their child...the best. Not necessarily the latest and greatest gadgets, but the "best" in their upbringing, education, and childhood. While these expectations are normal, sometimes I question my reasoning.

Do I want what I think is best for them or what THEY feel is best for them? Am I expecting them to fill a hole or a void that I personally feel by excelling in things? I'll admit it, I'm a little bit jealous of the kids who get awards for everything. I want my children to be like them. I want them to be "superstars". Obviously, part of me wants this for them because it would mean they are excelling. However, I sometimes think that there's a little bit of selfishness there, as well. I want them to be "known" for being great - maybe because I want to be the mother of "a great one".

Don't get me wrong...my kids are awesome. My daughter was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society last year, and in eight grade, has been swimming on the Varsity Team for two years. My son is taking three advanced classes while working 20 hours a week and still getting pretty good grades. My younger daughter does swimming, lacrosse, chorus, band, ski club and girl scouts.

It's just that I KNOW they can do better if they apply themselves a little bit more. Am I wrong for wanting this? I don't know. Should I accept them being "good" and not pressure them to be "great"? Will pressuring them cause them to become over-achievers and never be happy with their efforts? On the other hand, will letting them "get by" make them settle for less in the future?

Digging deep, I realize that much of what I want for my kids is really what I wanted for myself. Looking back, I realize that I could have done so much more if I applied myself. They say hindsight is always 20/20. I see the mistakes I made as a young adult, and know that if I had made different choices, my life may be totally different right now. But, I also know that the choices I made in my past have made me who I am today - and I'm pretty happy with the outcome. Sure, I want more and I want to be better, but I'm not unhappy. My desire for wanting more isn't caused by a current lack - instead, it is a desire to be a better person. So, my question is...how do I let my kids make the same mistakes - the mistakes that most young people make - when I have the ability to see the long-term effect? Do I sit back and watch? Do I force my feelings down their throats - possibly causing them to resent me?

I Am Enough

OK, so I'm a day behind again...

Most days, I am amazed that I make it through the day. To me, laundry and a clean kitchen are signs of a highly productive day. And, if I happen to make dinner, too...whoa! Because, really, when you add to that a 40+ hour work week (at work) and another 5-10 hours at home, taxi-driving for my children, helping with homework and projects and the other million mundane tasks that have to get accomplished each day, clean laundry and a clean kitchen should really be considered above and beyond!

But, I long to be more. I want to be one of those "Pintrest Moms" that always has homemade teacher gifts and on-going craft projects. I want to have our meals planned out, using all the spectacular recipes that people share on Pintrest - and I want to have the ingredients on hand to make them.

I don't remember where, but I recently read a blog that basically said it's "enough" to be you. It was a great reminder that being the best "you" you can be is enough. Even though it is still hard for me to accept.

I know that I have a type A personality. I'm obsessed with trying to be a perfectionist - my teenage daughter reminds me of this often. I have some OCD traits that I know are insane. Trying to live up to my own standards is often a struggle. One in which I usually fail miserably.

Realistically, I know that I am enough. I provide for my kids. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in the cupboards (most days!) My kids all get good grades and are active in numerous extra-curricular activities. I am volunteer girl scout leader and was very active in our parent group at the school when all of my kids were in elementary school.

Yet, almost every day, I feel like I should be more. I want to be more. Do you ever feel this way? What do you do to remind yourself that you are "enough"?

This seems to be my motto lately...I am slowly but surely getting caught up on things, and I am slowly but surely starting to recover from my surgery. As a person who is used to being on the go most of the time, and a person who likes to "cross things off" a to-do list, this hasn't been easy!

One of the things I am learning, though, is that by taking things slowly, you really get to appreciate them more. Some days, I am multi-tasking so many different projects that I feel like I haven't really devoted enough attention or energy to any of them. Sure, I get to cross things off my list, but at the end of the day, I still feel unaccomplished. So, by being forced to take things slowly, I am learning that I can actually get more accomplished and feel better about it.

I am also, sadly, learning that the dirty dishes will still be in the sink when I get to them and that the pile of dirty laundry, which now has clean, folded laundry mixed in, will still be there as well. I'm not 100% OK with this, but I'm learning to accept it. While I usually pride myself on being organized and in control, I am learning to let go a little. There's always paper plates and take out for dinner, and as long as we all have clean socks and underwear, the rest of the laundry can wait.

Another great thing about having to take things slowly is that my kids are (sort of) learning a little more responsibility. I have always "micro-managed" their lives, and recently, I haven't been able to do that. So, they are learning that if they want a specific pair of pants clean for a certain day, they will need to get them in the washing machine. They are looking up recipes online and making new dinners. They are making grocery lists and going to the store for me. So guess what? When we are out of something, it's not MY fault! LOL

As I write this, I am realizing that this post gets me caught up with my "post a day" challenge for November. This pleases me...one more thing to cross off my to-do list. However, I am still thinking in the back of my mind about the Mission Statement and Vision I need to write for work, and the 10 other things I want to get done today. So, with that being said, I am going to cross this off my list and FOCUS on one other thing for a bit. Trying to stay focused is a challenge for me, as there are so many things constantly running through my mind. But, today is the day that I will SLOWLY BUT SURELY get things accomplished!!

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The time change is still wreaking havoc on my body. I am ready for bed by 8:00 most nights (which is hardly ever possible because there are still a couple of taxi fares waiting for rides home!). It's dark when I get up in the morning, and dark by the time I pick the first kid up from practice - which is still about 2 hours before we can sit down for dinner.

Yet, I am slowly feeling myself getting excited about the holidays. While they typically bring stress - never enough money for the gifts they want, so many activities going on and getting ready for our annual Christmas Eve dinner which includes about 30 guests - I find it a positive stress. While there is a LOT to do, I enjoy doing all of the things that need to get done.

So, I think that today is the perfect day to put on some Christmas music (ssh..don't tell my kids or boyfriend - they'll shoot me!) and start baking some Christmas cookies!

It takes a Village...

"It takes a village to raise a child" is one of my favorite quotes! As a single mom, I live this quote almost every day. Even if I didn't have to work, getting my kids where they need to be is almost impossible. With three kids all involved in different activities, one of them is always coming or going. There are some days where they all have to be somewhere different at the same time. Some nights, we don't eat dinner until 8pm...when they are all home from their various activities.

I typically do not like asking for help, as it makes me feel "weak". However, rides are something that I have never seemed to have a problem asking for. Honestly, I would never make it if I didn't rely on the help of friends.

A dear (very wise!) friend recently told my daughter that "Moms just help out when needed. We don't keep track or look at it as a favor." It was just what I needed to hear right when I needed to hear it!

I recently had surgery on my foot. I knew things were going to be tough for a while, but I honestly had no idea how hard they were going to be or for how long. I anticipated being back to work (at least part-time) and back to a somewhat regular schedule after 2 weeks. This Friday, it will be 7 weeks since my surgery. Yesterday was the first day I was able to walk without crutches. Needless to say, things did not go as planned.

So, for the past 6 weeks, I have been relying heavily on friends and family to help cart my kids around. My neighbor brought my oldest two to school for almost 6 weeks. My youngest daughter's swim coach got her off the bus at her house and brought her to swim practice. Another friend brought her home. My son's boss brought him home after work. My other daughter got rides to Youth Group, Confirmation and swim meets from yet another friend.

I could never have done it by myself. Even today, I struggle. It takes me longer than usual to get to the car. There have been times I have sat in the car for 20 minutes in my driveway waiting for the next child to chauffeur around. Usually, I would use those 20 minutes to change a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher. But, it takes me that long just to get up the stairs into the house, so I just wait. The good part about that is that I read two books during my "waiting". LOL

I am in the process of getting thank you cards/gifts together for those that really went above and beyond to help me. Not because they expect it or because I think I owe them. Simply because I want them to know how much I appreciate them. Without my village, I would have been lost. It's so nice to be part of a village...

Who is your village?

Post-Election Red White and Blues

I'll admit that I'm not really one to follow politics. While I know that every vote does count, I just have a hard time believing that my vote could be "the one" that makes the difference. Growing up, we never really talked politics. I was living in a different state, not a resident of that state yet, for the first presidential election I was old enough to vote in. Not knowing what I was doing, I did not vote that year. From there on, I just continued as a "non-voter".

I know, I should be embarrassed to write this. In many ways, I am - especially now that I have children.

With that being said, I did follow along much of this presidential campaign. I mean, who didn't? There were record numbers of voters in both the primaries and the election itself. For the last year and a half, and especially the last few months, everything was all about the election. I watched most of the debates. Personally, I hated the way Trump seemed to avoid so many of the questions he was asked, and the fact that he kept talking even when his time was up. To her about his lewd, sexual comments and actions made me sick to my stomach. On the other hand, the email scandal and incident in Benghazi with Hillary wasn't much better.

Now, I know I don't really have room to speak, as I didn't vote. But, I just want to put this thought out there...

What if, instead of "choosing the lesser of two evils", as many people put it, we looked past the party nominees and gave one of the TWO independents running a chance? It really wasn't only two evils we had to choose from. It would have been nice if Stein and Johnson were also given a chance to debate. Maybe their debates could have been on a smaller scale...something that wasn't as "promoted" as the debates between Clinton and Trump. But something that could have gotten them some recognition and let their voices be heard. Obviously, without a party backing, their financial means weren't as great. They did not have a party or investors (or a personal bank account!) to back their campaigns. But, as Americans running for the President of the United States, I think they should have been given more options.

The election is over, and it is what it is. We will have to wait and see what Trump does moving forward. No doubt, he will have  a lot on his plate as he tries to re-unite a nation that has become so divided. I hope that he finds that strength, and does indeed "Make America Great Again."

But, just remember this during the next election...we really only see what the media wants us to see. Wouldn't it be great if we, as Americans, really had the knowledge about ALL of the candidates and made a well-educated vote based on FACTS, PLANS and STRATEGIES instead of NONSENSE?!?

For now, I will pray that Trump does what is right by the American people. He has four years to prove himself.

Way Behind and Trying to Find My Voice

OK, so my original goal was to find the time to write every day this month. For some reason, I just can't seem to do that :( Here we are on day #8, and I'm only on post #5!

What I have found out so far about writing is that it really takes time and devotion. As a mother of 3, just recovering from surgery and easing my way back to work, I'm having a hard time finding the time! I will stick to my challenge, though, because I do want to become a blogger. While I may not write every day this month, I will have 30 entries by the end of the month.

Another challenge I am facing is "finding my voice". No, I don't have laryngitis, although I'm sure my kids and boyfriend  wish I did! LOL I'm talking about my writing voice. I noticed with my last post When WINNING is Really LOSING, that I documented the events of the event I was blogging about, but it lacked emotion.

So, with that being said, here is post #5 and my goal for today is to get one more, AWESOME post written today. A post with emotion and sincerity.

When WINNING is really LOSING

Day number four of my challenge. I think I'm ready to take this a step further and actually write about something. I've been going over the list I made before I started this challenge, trying to find the one that spoke to me the most today.

A little background information to get started...I have been divorced for almost five years. I have three children with my ex-husband, ages 15, 13 and 10. My divorce wasn't "messy" in the way that some divorces are. There was no fighting over assets, retirement plans, savings, etc. That is mostly due to the fact that we didn't really have any of that.

However, it wasn't exactly a friendly divorce, either. I was the one who asked for the divorce. I had been unhappy in my marriage for quite a while, but I never had the courage to do anything about it. I mean, how could I afford to raise three kids on my own? Who would watch them and bring them to practices, games, etc. on the weekends I worked?

I won't get into the actual details of the divorce right now. I'll save that for another post. Instead, I want to write about what happened this past summer.

One night, I got a call at work from my boyfriend (who lives with us). My older daughter - my middle child who was ALMOST a teenager at the time of this event - had just screamed some vulgarities at her father (on the phone) and hung up on him. When she refused to answer when he called back, he took the next best route, and called my younger daughter - the baby of the three. When my boyfriend called, my youngest was underneath the kitchen table, not saying anything except "mm hmm" and "yup". She was practically in tears.

So, I tried calling her, but she did not answer. My son, who is the oldest, texted me and said that she was on the phone with Dad.

Looking back, much of the next few minutes - actually probably closer to an hour - are a blur now. But I remember the gist of what happened very well. My older daughter had hung up on her father because he - once again - had started bad-mouthing my boyfriend and I. She called him out on that and a few other things that had been on her mind. He was not happy about her accusations and the fact that she wasn't "buying into his story" as much as usual and said a few things back to her. She got angry and hung up. With her definitely out of his corner, he did what he does best - he went after another victim. As I said earlier, after this confrontation, he called my youngest - who was only 9 at the time. He took out his aggressions on her, which led to her crying under the kitchen table.

At this point, my son stepped in. Although he will swear to you that he "hates" his sisters, he stepped right up and took over as the "man of the house." He started texting his father to distract him from the current phone call and got his sister to hang up. The conversation, via text, between him and his father went something like this:
DAD: Now your sister is acting like a bitch just like her mother.
SON: I know, dad. She has a lot on her plate right now. Just being a typical teenage girl with teenage girl drama.
DAD: I don't care what she has going on. She is a bitch just like her mother.

Enough said there...

So, the next morning, I went to the courthouse and applied for a modification of custody/visitation, asking that he not be allowed to communicate with them at all - including via phone calls or text. I decided that they were too young to be forced to "choose" or to have to constantly listen to him talk about me in a derogatory way. It wasn't fair to them, and it was my responsibility to protect them in any way I could.

I told the kids what I was doing. Both the girls were ok with it...they actually told me they were relieved that I stepped in and took the decision away from them. My son, on the other hand, wasn't sure how he felt about it. He asked me if I could just ask the courts to stop the communication with the girls. I told him that I could not do that because if I did, he would be at the receiving end of all the negativity. A little reluctant, he agreed.

I received my paperwork from the court about 2 weeks later, with our "first appearance" date and time on it. The court date was set for another month out. UGH...so much waiting. I half wondered if my ex would even show up. Needless to say, he did, and this is how the case proceeded:

As many of you know, a "first appearance" usually doesn't amount to much. We go in front of the judge, he asks if we reached an agreement, offers the respondent a chance to get an attorney and we usually get sent out with another court date set up. That's pretty much what I was expecting at this hearing. But, to be safe, I had pages and pages of text messages printed out - text messages between him and the kids with the derogatory statements he continually made to the kids about me, and messages to me saying that he "refused" to follow the court's previous rulings and that he didn't care about the kids anyway, that he had no problem giving them up completely. I even had a letter from one of my child's therapists who said that she felt the relationship between that child and the father was detrimental to the child's well-being. I was prepared!

What I wasn't prepared for was what happened next. He told the judge he was fine with whatever I wanted. This is coming from a man who spent the last four years doing everything he could to try to make my life miserable. While I was expecting to win the case - eventually - I was also expecting a fight. I did not get one. Three times, the judge asked him if he wanted to get a lawyer - that the court could appoint him one if couldn't afford one - and come back to court at a later date. Three times, the judge asked him if he was SURE he understood what I was asking for, and that he did not need to make a decision at that time. Three times, he gave in.

While this is what I wanted, and I truly believe my kids are better off now, I was devastated that someone who claimed to love his kids so much could just walk away and not even put up a fight. How was I going to explain to my kids that he just gave up? Even though I won, part of us lost. Sometimes, winning is really losing.

Who Knew??

Here I am on day three of my 30-day challenge. Before I started this challenge, I wrote down a list of topics that I wanted to write about. Choosing just the right one - based on my mood and feelings for the day - is harder than I thought.

So, I'm going to go back and touch a little on my first post...I was super pumped when I got started. I had the perfect blog name picked out. I actually had a couple of them. Boy, was I surprised when each and every one I typed was "taken". REALLY? I know there are a lot of blogs out there, but I had no idea that I would have to enter a dozen different names before I found one that wasn't taken. Honestly, I almost gave up.

But then I remembered an interview I watched with a blogger/author/speaker. In her interview, she said that whatever we are writing about has most likely been written about before - possibly hundreds of times. But, what has never been written about before is your story in YOUR voice.

Sure, there are probably hundreds of blogs written about divorce, death, abuse, etc. But no one has ever written about it in YOUR voice. That lesson is the reason I have decided to continue attempting to write a blog. My desire to share MY story with you.

With that in mind, I just want to take this time to encourage each of you to follow your dreams. Don't give up.Set a goal for yourself and take action to achieve that goal - whatever it may be. Sometimes goals seem impossible to set and even harder to reach. But, by taking baby steps and rewarding yourself along the way, all goals are possible.

Don't let anything stand in the way of your dreams.

OCD Takes a Back Seat

OK...so here I am at day #2 of my thirty-day efforts at blogging. As you may have noticed, I am already a day behind, as I just posted my first entry this morning. Big plans don't always work for me.

Which, I guess, is where I will start with my journey.

I have come to realize that I have very high expectations - of myself and those around me. I'm a little OCD when it comes to certain things in my life...okay, maybe a lot. Yes, definitely a lot!

With that in mind, I am in no way a neat/clean freak. As a matter of fact, my house is usually in total disarray. I know, this seems completely contradictory. I am not OCD in all areas of my life - just some.

For example, I have a color-coded, desk-sized calendar on the side of my fridge. Each month, the kids choose their color and we put down every practice, game, party, etc on the calendar. To take this a step further, they are not allowed to add anything to the calendar UNLESS it is their specific color, and honestly, I'd prefer to write it in myself so that the handwriting is all the same. Crazy, I know. But having all of their activities listed really helps me stay in control of who needs to be where and when. When my boyfriend first moved in with us, he used to laugh at the calendar. Now, even he has his own color!

Another one of my OCD tendencies is how I fold my towels. And, not only how they are folded, but the way they get put away. On the rare occasion that my kids do laundry, I find myself going behind them and refolding the towels. Back at the beginning of my marriage - a lifetime ago, all of our towels were the same color, so it didn't much matter to me how they were put away. But, three kids, a divorce and almost 20 years later, we have accumulated a wide assortment of towels. I can't help that I want them all folded the same way and put away by color. Really, it makes it easier when it comes time for laundry, because I will have a "load of dark towels" and a "load of white towels". Sounds logical, right?!?

The kitchen in my house is small. Actually, that's not 100% true. The kitchen itself is a decent size, but all of the appliances are crammed into one corner. My stove, sink, dishwasher and refrigerator are all in one little section of my kitchen. It's almost impossible to have two people cooking at once. No matter how messy the rest of my kitchen is, I can't do anything in the kitchen until that area is cleaned. Another one of my OCD tendencies.

I could probably go on for pages and pages with my OCD tendencies, but I'll leave it here for now. I do promise to follow up sometime this month with a few more of these, but I don't want to give them all away now!

In the meantime, I'll leave you with one final thought:

For almost 6 weeks, though, I have been unable to do laundry - or much of anything for that matter. After surgery on my foot resulted in major swelling, edema and a "locked" ankle, I have had to let go of many of my "controlling" tendencies. Although part of me is relieved that I am "off the hook" for many household chores, I'm being totally honest when I say that I can't wait to regain control of my laundry room and my kitchen!

What are some of your OCD tendencies?

You CAN Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

I have always loved to write...from diaries as a young girl to journals for my kids. I can remember attempting to write a "book" when I was about 8 or 9. Obviously, I never got very far. A few years ago, I tried taking a class on writing magazine articles. Again, I didn't get very far.

With the surge of e-books and blogs, however, I decided to give it one more try. I've done a little bit of research into how to create a voice and reach a target audience. While I'm still not sure if I will ever succeed in writing blogs, or anything else for that matter, I have decided that I am at least going to try.

I am challenging myself to write one blog post every day for the month of November. This is step one! While I am not sure that I can write something interesting, funny or educational every day this month, I know that I definitely have some stories to share. From being an only child raised by a single mom to my own childbirth, from miscarriage to three perfect babies, from marriage and a messy divorce...I am hoping that at least some of these stories are relatable to some readers who may find comfort knowing they are not alone in whatever they face.

I do not plan on talking about religion or politics, although, with the upcoming presidential election, I am sure at least one post will touch a little bit on that.

Today, I promise, to you and to myself, that I will sit down and write SOMETHING - ANYTHING - every day this month! I hope you will join me down my stroll of memory lane. I look forward to laughing and crying with you as I tell you a little bit about the story of my life and how I got to where I am today!