Hindsight is Always 20/20

So far this week, I have told you a little bit about the ways my ex-husband gaslighted me. For those of you who didn't read my previous posts and are unfamiliar with the term "gaslighting", it is a form of psychological abuse in which one person causes the other to doubt themselves by pushing their beliefs about the past (or present) onto the other person. It can totally make the person being gaslighted feel insane. It is definitely a powerful tool of manipulation.

I mentioned that the most common form of gaslighting that my ex-husband used involved money. But, looking back, there were so many other techniques and forms of gaslighting that he used. Sadly, in addition to our finances, his other favorite pawn were our children.

He volunteered as a Cub Scout leader one year and a Little League baseball coach another year. I was thrilled! My children were my life, and he was starting to get more involved. What wife wouldn't love this?!? However, I slowly learned that his reasons for getting involved weren't as pure as mine. They weren't out of love for his children, but out of his desire to "control" and "manipulate" others' perception of him. He was using our children to show others the side of him that he wanted them to see.

I was very involved in our school's parent-teacher group. As a working mother with three young kids at home, it was a win-win for me. I was able to be involved in my children's school AND get a little time with friends. Until HE decided that he would join too. While I should have been happy that he wanted to be involved, something felt off. I should have known at this point that things weren't right. Rather than wanting to be involved in our children's education, he joined simply to exert a little more control over me. My one-hour meeting once a month - the one time I used to "socialize" with other moms and be my own person (instead of a mom or a boss) - was taken away from me when he joined. Sure, sometimes we would go out for a glass of wine after and our one-hour meeting turned into a two-hour outing, but this was still the only time I got to be "me". He joined simply to limit my circle of friends by cutting them down after the meetings. He persuaded me to see them as he saw them - controlling and manipulative. He told me that they weren't really my friends and that they were just using me to get things done. Slowly, I began to believe him. And, I lost a few good friendships along the way.

Hindsight is always 20/20. If I only knew then what I know now, things would be so different.